music of the piano I've been wondering the past 2 yrs in NS what i should do with my life and i definitely dont wanna spend 3 years in uni just studying. i wanna join the piano ensemble,make new friends, do the things i love. but why is it that it seems the universe is opposing all i wanna do? haha. on a more sombre note, its always you. and even though you're a really treasure friends of mine, its still always about you. maybe i do find you rather eccentric at times or is it that naivety? but 8 years and its still you. But i'd rather be your friend than say i like you and be rejected. LOL. so all the best. i figured i'll just pump in all my strength on my studies to get that stupid useless NUS degree. GOD why am i even studying so hard for? i even had to sacrfice my piano cca which was my 2nd life in UNI.....in a metaphorical or figuative sense. at least. haha. you know what?life sucks but i'm not giving up. at least not for the people i care about.

i have found blogging to be a somewhat therepeutic form of distressing. all the better that no ones here. fb lacks privacy. blogging here feels so much safer. i dont like showing people who are not close to my weaker half. anyway so much changed. change is the only constant.i miss many things and thr wisdom that comes with age wears me down. i wonder how life had been for some of my freinds. i'm a little sad right now. but is there someone out there that understands all i am going through in life.my insecurities doubts fears and sadness. haha. sry just whining. its a a pretty gd place to let it all out. take care world. till nxt time.

Yet another of my birthday has passed me by. It scary isn't it? the rate a which time flies. i read a report that says time passes a millionth of a sec faster for every 1 cm you are higher up. because time is not a constant and based on eisntein's theory of relativity, greater the gravity, faster the time. Which means that the higher you live the faster you die.

Dear lord,

even if i had asked you why. Why i had to go through s much pain in life, your answer would've have probably been the same.Faith as we all know it. I know I've sinned but its still too much to bear. Dear god, if i may ask, what use is living a life that's devoid of quality. Is it the quality of life or the sanctity of life that you advocate?

I fought so hard my whole life thinking that if one day I'd enter a good jc or uni like nus, the gap in my heart would somehow be filled. I'd be happier. I'd be respected and no one would look at me with eyes that say "you're stupid"

i sacrificed my youth, my friends, my life. i sacrificed SO MUCH. i literally LIVED AND BREATHED FOR THAT GOAL...and when i finally had what i wanted....and Yet lord jesus christ, why is it for the past 2 years since NUS accepted me, the empty void just gets bigger and stronger.I feel consumed by this black hole of negativity. What is missing in my life?What am i lacking? Am i a very terrible person lord? What use is a life lived without love and joy? To live with the knowledge that you lost SO MUCH of precious time and health to finally get what you want but only to realize that ITS NOT WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED?

i want to go back to my days in secondary sch. those were quiet peaceful days. i never laughed more in 5 years since i graduated than in a day in my beloved secondary sch classrooms. i want to go back in time so badly. i want to experience that joy all over again wear that ugly uniform, get scolded by my teachers, go for excursions as a class,skip lessons and do stupid things with my friends...but all thats left are scraps of memories, a vestige if its former glory. But those days are over. i wasted my time back then studying for some stupid goal i now realize is USELESS. I should have lived for the moment then.

I'll leave for Taiwan for a month. Until then i hope to find some answers... I only dare write this cause no one reads this blog anymore and yet i hope someone out there will. Then maybe that person may give me the answers i so desperately need. Maybe thats why i won't lock this blog. I must be strong. I cannot let anyone see this side of me in reality. Its much too embarrassing.


Dear god give me the strength to carry one.....

I don't even know who reads this anymore but that's all good. i realize i really suck at chasing the girl i like.The only thing i'm good at is equations...lol.

well its been some time. 4 mths since is last blogged. BMT is ending. 4 mths of hell but i made some really great friends and forged great bonds. i hate the army and i still do. but it taught me many things. i appreciate many things better.

In the most queer and nonetheless curious manner, i learnt to forgive more easily and control my temper. interesting that i dont recognize 'me' anymore. At the very least, the change was a positive one.

life's one heck of a long journey. you make friends along the way that blow you to the far reaches of the heavens and some that relentlessly crush you the the depths of hell. i made good friends.wonderful ones in 4 mths in fact. they pulled me up when my sanity hits rock bottom. Especially during those arduous route marches when i actually concluded dying was in fact,quite the appealing option. it there that they gave me the encouragement and support i so needed.

And what a its a fruitful and fulfilling 4 mths its been indeed. i lost many things though. some old friends i quarrelled with. we kinda drifted since no reconciliation was made to alleviate the friction btw us. Yet i am just as guilty of that sin since I myself do not care.Because to me,i'm never in the wrong if i don't say sorry to you in 3 days.hahaha. If i fail to convince myself i am at fault and apologize you you in 3 days, it means my conscience is clear and if i am not at fault,it warrants no apology.

After 4mths when THESE people try to talk to me again acting like nothing's happened it's strange even for me,let alone them. i'm no longer angry. no one stays angry forever. that would be too sad in the context of my religion. or at least to me.
But you see a vase once broken cant be mended back to the same way it was before. the feeling of guilt and unsettling awkwardness is ever present.

4 mths ago i said i'd miss all outings. i did....i missed one yesterday. we can just talk over the monitor screen. its something i decided. less social interaction,less conflicts and a greater peace of heart for me. i can always change the friends i have but i cannot change the way i feel if i were to quarrel with the people i once called friends. my piano,ps3 and..well the girl whom i'm still chasing after, demands my attention. just a little bit more you know...hahahaha. maybe i'll blog in another 4 mths. till then world.

Went to yamaha this morning and the rain was rather heavy. you know what really struck the chord within me. while i was complaining about my dad asking me to pay the car petrol fees when i got my license i saw this bunch of indian workers. Its was like so cramped and they were using card boards ans umbreallas with holes to cover themselves. It struck me bad see that poignant disparity between me and them. and their living conditions are like really crappy and they're underpaid.

But the scene of 20+ worker crammed into a small truck while all they had was to hold on to one another,sharing a piece of cardboard and broken umbrella,its a sight,something to remind me by that all the more i should treasure what i have. And while i had a great meal i came out of tm onyl to see people without hands or legs and that blind guy trying to eek out a living with that few cents in his container and a lady and granny selling tissue paper. i wanna help but i dont have enough money to help them all so i just randomly divided $10 for all of them.

My point being: Why can everyone do their part to help these people out. If everyone who walked by gave them just 50 cents i'm pretty sure they wont have to suffer so much. right?haha

anyway PAP shld kick their own balls. 387 million give it to these people la. dumbshit. YOG wasnt even reported in other countries please.haha

Joshua

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